伯爵的胡子&意大利童话
    博卡帕利亚是建在陡峭山坡上的一个小镇，镇上人家的鸡只要一下蛋就会滚落到山下的树林里。为了防止鸡蛋滚落丢失，居民们在每只母鸡的尾巴上挂了一个小袋子。
    这说明博卡帕利亚人并非像别人挖苦的那样软弱无能，附近曾经流传着这样一句话：
    谁都知道在博卡帕利亚，
    驴子吹口哨，主人嚎叫。
    这纯粹是附近村镇的人对他们的污蔑，这些人这样对待博卡帕利亚人就是因为他们生性平静，不愿意和任何人争吵。
    “让你们诬蔑吧，挖苦吧，”博卡帕利亚人都这样说，“等马西诺回来，看我们当中谁还会嚎叫。”
    马西诺是博卡帕利亚人中最聪明的人，深受全镇的人爱戴。他并不比别人粗壮，甚至比一般人还瘦弱很多，但他天生聪明。他刚出世时，看上去瘦弱娇小，妈妈为了让他能活下来，而且还能长得强壮一点，就用热葡萄酒给他洗澡。爸爸还把烧红的铁放到酒里给酒加热。这样马西诺既通过浸泡皮肤而获得了酒的柔力，又吸收了铁的刚强。洗完澡后，妈妈又把她放在铺满生栗子壳的摇篮里，让他的身体变凉爽，使他在刺痛中变得更加睿智。
    长大后，马西诺出发去服兵役，以后再也没有回到自己的村镇。现在好像到了非洲的某个地方。这期间博卡帕利亚开始出了一系列的怪事。每天晚上人们都会发现，他们的牛从平原上的草地放牧回来时，总要被女巫米奇利娜抢走好几头。
    女巫米奇利娜总是藏在村子下方的树林中，伺机而出，她只须吹一口气就可以把一头牛劫走。天黑后，每当村民们听到林中灌木丛的沙沙响动，就会吓的牙齿打架，甚至昏倒在地，所以大家都说：
    女巫米奇利娜，
    从牛栏把牛偷走，
    只要用眼斜一下，
    你就吓得倒下。
    村民们只好在夜里点起一堆堆大篝火，使女巫米奇利娜不敢从树丛中现身。但当只有一个人在篝火边上看守牲畜时，女巫就会悄悄地靠上去，用气把这个人吹昏，等到早上他醒过来的时候，奶牛、耕牛早已不见了，于是大家便听到他痛哭、绝望，击自己的头。然后，所有的人都会一齐到树林中寻找牲畜，结果，除了一绺头发、女人的的发钗和女巫米奇利娜四处留下的足印，什么也找不到。
    就这样过去了好几个月，奶牛被一直关在牛圈里变得越来越瘦。刷毛的时候已经不需要刷子了，用耙子在牛肋骨上耙几下就行了。没有人再敢将牲畜带到草地上去了，也没有人敢再进树林里，林子里边的蘑菇因为长久无人采摘，长得像雨伞一般大。
    女巫米奇利娜从不去别的村镇抢牛，因为她知道再没有哪个村的村民像博卡帕利亚人这样与世无争、平静忍耐了。每天晚上，这些贫苦的村民就在场院中间点上一堆篝火，女人和孩子留在家中，男人则围着篝火挠头抱怨着。怨了今天，怨明天，最后，他们决定得去找这里的伯爵帮忙。
    伯爵住在村镇山顶上的一座圆形庄园里，四周围着围墙，墙上还插满了玻璃片。一个星期天的早上，村民们聚在一块，帽子拿在手上，前来敲响了伯爵家的门。门打开后，村民们来到伯爵圆形房屋前的庭院，只见屋子的窗户都用铁栅栏封着，庭院四周坐着伯爵的卫兵，他们的胡子上都涂着油，好让胡子看上去光彩油亮。这些人一个个对村民们怒目而视。庭院的最里端，伯爵坐在丝绒面的椅子上，黑胡子很长很长，四个卫兵正用四把梳子在给他从上往下地梳理它。
    年纪最长的村民定了定神，说：“伯爵老爷，我们斗胆来您这里，是为了向您禀告我们的不幸遭遇，森林中有一个女巫米奇利娜，把我们的牲畜都抢了去。”随后，老人叹着气，诉着苦，在别的村民的点头证实下，向伯爵讲述了他们这段时间的可怕经历。
    伯爵一声不吭。
    老人又说：“我们来这里想冒昧向老爷您求讨一个解决办法。”
    伯爵还是一声不吭。
    老人又补充说：“我们来这里想斗胆请老爷您行行好帮我们一把，要是您肯派出一队卫士，我们就可以回到草场上放牲畜了。”
    伯爵把脑袋在脖子上转了一圈，说：“要是派卫兵，我就还得派一个队长……”
    村民们都竖着耳朵听着，似乎感受到一线希望。
    “但要是我派队长去，”伯爵说，“那么，晚上，我还跟谁玩掷彩游戏呢？”
    村民们跪在地上说：“帮帮我们吧，伯爵老爷，可怜可怜我们吧！”周围的卫士们开始厌烦地打着哈欠，给胡子涂着黑油。
    伯爵又转了一下头，说：
    “我是伯爵，我说话能顶三个人说话，
    既然我没见过女巫，
    说明根本就没有女巫。”
    听到伯爵的话，那些正打着哈欠的卫士立即端起步枪，用刺刀慢慢地逼着村民们退出了庭院。
    村民们垂头丧气地回到场院，不知下一步该怎么办，那个跟伯爵说过话的年纪最长的老人说：“现在我们得派人去把马西诺请回来！”
    说完，他们便立即给马西诺写了封信，然后将信寄到非洲。一天晚上，当村民们像往常一样聚集在场院的篝火旁边时，马西诺回来了。人们激动的情景就别提了，大家冲上去拥抱他，煮上加香料的热葡萄酒。有人问：“你去了什么地方？”有人说：“你见到了些什么东西？”还有人说：“你知道我们有多惨吗？”
    马西诺先让大家说了个够，然后他开始叙述起来：“在非洲我遇到过不吃人只吃蝉的野蛮人；在沙漠我碰到过一个为了挖地下水而留了十二米长的指甲的疯子；在海上我见过一条鱼穿着一只皮鞋和一只拖鞋，它想成为众鱼之王，因为别的鱼既没有穿皮鞋的，也没有穿拖鞋的；在西西里，我认识一位妇女生了七十个儿子，但全家只有一口锅；在那不勒斯，我看见人们停住脚也能往前走，因为别人的闲言碎语太厉害了，变成了一股很大的推力；我还看见过圣人，看见过罪犯，看见过一百公斤重的胖子，也看见过骨瘦如柴的矮子，我见过很多胆小的人，但从没见过像博卡帕利亚人这么胆小的人。”
    村民们都羞愧地低下了头，马西诺说他们胆小，实在是一针见血。但马西诺并没有责怪乡亲们的意思。他让大家把女巫的事详细地说了一遍，然后说：“我现在问你们三个问题，然后，等半夜一到，我就去抓住这个女巫，把她带到这里来。”
    “问吧，问吧！”大家齐说。
    “第一个问题要先问理发师。这个月有多少人到你那里理发？”
    理发师回答：
    “有长胡子的，有短胡子的，
    有胡子软软的，有胡子弯曲的，
    有鬈发的，有蓬发的，
    我的剪刀给他们都剪过。”
    “现在我问你，鞋匠，这个月有多少人到你那里修鞋呢？”
    “唉，”鞋匠说：
    “我修过木拖鞋，修过皮拖鞋，
    钉了一堆鞋钉，上了一堆掌铁；
    我修过布鞋，修过蛇皮鞋，
    但现在人们都没了钱，无人再来了。”
    “第三个问题要问你了，制绳匠，这个月你卖出去多少根绳子？”
    制绳匠说：
    “柳绳，线绳，
    搓的和编的草绳，
    细细的柳条井绳，
    粗如胳膊，细如针，
    硬的如铁，软的如猪油，
    这个月我卖了很多根。”
    “好了，都明白了。”马西诺说，在篝火旁躺下，“我现在先睡上两个小时，我实在太累了。到半夜，你们把我叫醒，我去抓那个女巫。”说完，他用帽子遮住脸，睡着了。
    村民们静静地守候在一边，连大气都不敢出，怕吵醒他。到半夜，马西诺自己醒了过来，他打了个哈欠，喝下一小杯热酒，又朝篝火吐了三口唾沫，然后，旁若无人地站起来直奔树林。
    村民们都留在原地等他，只见篝火烧成了火炭，火炭又烧成了柴灰，柴灰也变黑了，这时，马西诺回来了。身后还带着一个人，好像被拉着胡子，是谁呀？是伯爵，伯爵一边哭着，挣扎着，一边求饶。
    “这就是女巫！”马西诺喊道。随后又问：“热酒放在哪里了”？
    伯爵在众人的怒目逼视下，蜷缩在地上，好像一只冻坏的苍蝇。
    马西诺解释说：“不可能是你们当中的人干的，因为你们都理过发，剪过胡须，不可能在树丛中留下须毛；树林里有又大又重的鞋印，而你们都是赤脚进树林的。也不可能是什么精灵干的，因为精灵没必要去买那么多绳子绑了牲畜，再拉走。哎，我要的热酒呢？”
    伯爵浑身哆嗦着，竭力要躲到他的胡子里面，马西诺把他从树丛后拉出来的时候，他的胡子被拉得乱七八糟。
    “那他用什么方法看我们一眼，就会让我们昏倒呢？”一位村民问。
    “他用包了布的木棍子在你们的头上猛击一棍，这样你们觉得像吹气一样，头上无痕迹，醒来时头昏脑沉。”
    “那他丢在森林中的那些头钗呢？”另一个人问。
    “这些头钗是他用来把胡子扎到头上的，就像女人扎头发那样。”
    村民们都安静地听着，当马西诺说“现在，大家想怎么处置他？”时，人群中爆发出一阵激动的喊声：“烧死他！剥他的皮！把他绑在杆子上当稻草人！把他关在桶里让他不停地转！把他跟六只猫，六只狗一起捆进一个袋子里！”
    “饶命！”伯爵用颤抖的声音哀求着。
    “我看这样吧，”马西诺说，“让他把牲畜都还给大家，再让他把所有的牛棚打扫干净。既然他喜欢夜里到森林中去，就罚他每天晚上都去给你们捡柴火。告诉孩子们以后看到地上有发钗的话再也不要捡了，它们都是女巫米奇利娜的，她再也不能梳理好头发和胡子了。”
    村民们就照马西诺说的做了。随后，马西诺又动身游历世界去了，一路上，他加入了一次又一次的战争，每一次战争都持续了很长时间，有诗为证：
    啊，战争中的士兵，
    你吃的差，睡在地上，
    将火药装进炮膛，
    嘣！嘣!
    TheCountsBeard
    ThetownofPocapagliawasperchedonthepinnacleofahillsosteepthatitsinhabitantstiedlittlebagsonthetailfeathersoftheirhenstocatcheachfreshlylaideggthatotherwisewouldhavegonerollingdowntheslopesintothewoodsbelow.
    AllofwhichgoestoshowthatthepeopleofPocapagliawerenottheduncestheyweresaidtobe,andthattheproverb,
    InPocapagliaways
    Thedonkeywhistles,themasterbrays,
    merelyreflectedthemaliciousgrudgetheneighboringtownspeopleborethePocapagliansfortheirpeacefulwaysandtheirreluctancetoquarrelwithanyone.
    "Yes,yes,"wasallthePocapaglianswouldreply,"butjustwaituntilMasinoreturns,andyouwillseewhobraysmore,weoryou."
    EverybodyinPocapaglialovedMasino,thesmartestboyintown.Hewasnostrongerphysicallythananybodyelse;infact,heevenlookedratherpuny.Buthehadalwaysbeenveryclever.Concernedoverhowlittlehewasatbirth,hismotherhadbathedhiminwarmwinetokeephimaliveandmakehimalittlestronger.Hisfatherhadheatedthewinewithared-hothorseshoe.ThatwayMasinoabsorbedthesubtletyofwineandtheenduranceofiron.Tocoolhimoffafterhisbath,hismothercradledhimintheshellofanunripenedchestnut;itwasbitterandgavehimunderstanding.
    AtthetimethePocapaglianswereawaitingthereturnofMasino,whomnoonehadseensincethedayhewentofftobeasoldier(andwhowasnowmostlikelysomewhereinAfrica),strangethingsstartedhappeninginPocapaglia.Everyeveningasthecattlecamebackfrompastureintheplainbelow,ananimalwaswhiskedawaybyMicillinatheWitch.
    Thewitchwouldhideinthewoodsatthefootofthehill,andallsheneededtodowasgiveoneheavypuff,andshehadherselfanox.Whenthefarmersheardherstealthroughthethicketafterdark,theirteethwouldchatter,andeveryonewouldfalldowninaswoon.Thatbecamesocommonthatpeopletooktosaying:
    BewareofMicillina,thatoldwitch,
    Forallyouroxenshewillfilch,
    Thentrainonyouhercrossed-eye,
    Andwaitforyoutofallanddie.
    AtnighttheybeganlightinghugebonfirestokeepMicillinatheWitchfromventuringoutofthewoods.Butshewouldsneakuponthesolitaryfarmerwatchingovercattlebesidethebonfireandknockhimoutinonebreath.Inthemorninguponawaking,hedfindcowsandoxengone,andhisfriendswouldhearhimweepingandmoaningandhittinghimselfonthehead.Theneverybodycombedthewoodsfortracesofthestolencattle,butfoundonlytuftsofhair,hairpins,andfootprintslefthereandtherebyMicillinatheWitch.
    Thingswentfrombadtoworse.Shutupallthetimeinthebarn,thecowsgrewasthinasrails.Arakeinsteadofabrushwasallthatwasneededtogroomthem,fromribtorib.Nobodydaredleadthecattletopastureanymore.Everyonestayedclearofthewoodsnow,andthemushroomsthatgrewtherewentunpickedandgotasbigasumbrellas.
    MicillinatheWitchwasnottemptedtoplunderothertowns,knowingfullwellthatcalmandpeace-lovingpeopleweretobefoundonlyinPocapaglia.Therethepoorfarmerslitabigbonfireeverynightinthetownsquare,whilethewomenandchildrenlockedthemselvesindoors.Themensataroundthefirescratchingtheirheadsandgroaning.Dayafterdaytheyscratchedandgroaneduntiladecisionwasfinallyreachedtogotothecountforhelp.
    Thecountlivedhighabovethetownonalargecircularestatesurroundedbyamassivewall.Thetopofthewallwasencrustedwithsharpbitsofglass.OneSundaymorningallthetownsmenarrived,withhatsinhand.Theyknocked,thedoorswungopen,andtheyfiledintothecourtyardbeforethecourtsrounddwelling,whichhadbarsatallthewindows.Aroundthecourtyardsatthecourtssoldierssmoothingtheirmustacheswithoiltomakethemshineandscowlingatthefarmers.Attheendofthecourtyard,inavelvetchair,satthecounthimselfwithhislongblackbeard,whichfoursoldierswerecombingfromheadtofoot.
    Theoldestfarmertookheartandsaid,"YourHonor,wehavedaredcometoyouaboutourmisfortune.Asourcattlegointothewoods,MicillinatheWitchappearsandmakesoffwiththem."So,amidsighsandgroans,withtheotherfarmersnoddinginassent,hetoldthecountallabouttheirnightmare.
    Thecountremainedsilent.
    "Wehavecomehere,"saidtheoldman,"tobesoboldastoaskYourHonorsadvice."
    Thecountremainedsilent.
    "Wehavecomehere,"headded,"tobesoboldastoaskYourHonortohelpus.Ifyouassignedusanescortofsoldiers,wecouldagaintakeourcattledowntopasture."
    Thecountshookhishead."IfIletyouhavethesoldiers,"hesaid,"Imustalsoletyouhavethecaptain"
    Thefarmerslistened,hardlydaringtohope.
    "Butifthecaptainisawayintheevening,"saidthecount,"whocanIplaylottowith?"
    Thefarmersfelltotheirknees."Helpus,noblecount,forpityssake!"Thesoldiersaroundthecourtyardyawnedandstrokedtheirmustaches.
    Againthecountshookhisheadandsaid:
    IamthecountandIcountforthree;
    NowitchhaveIseen,
    So,nowitchhastherebeen.
    Atthosewordsandstillyawning,thesoldierspickeduptheirgunsand,withbayonetsextended,movedslowlytowardthefarmers,whoturnedandfiledsilentlyoutofthecourtyard.
    Backinthetownsquareandcompletelydiscouraged,thefarmershadnoideawhattodonext.Buttheseniorofthemall,theonewhohadspokentothecount,said,"TheresnothinglefttodobutsendforMasino!"
    SotheywroteMasinoaletterandsentittoAfrica.Thenoneevening,whiletheywereallgatheredaroundthebonfireasusual,Masinoreturned.Imaginethewelcometheygavehim,theembraces,thepotsofhot,spicedwine!"Whereonearthhaveyoubeen?Whatdidyousee?Ifyouonlyknewwhatwehavebeengoingthrough!"
    Masinoletthemhavetheirsay,thenhehadhis."InAfricaIsawcannibalswhoatenotmenbutlocusts;inthedesertIsawamadmanwhohadlethisfingernailsgrowtwelvemeterslongtodigforwater;intheseaIsawafishwithashoeandaslipperwhowantedtobekingoftheotherfish,sincenootherfishpossessedshoeorslipper;inSicilyIsawawomanwithseventysonsandonlyonekettle;inNaplesIsawpeoplewhowalkedwhilestandingstill,sincethechatterofotherpeoplekeptthemgoing;IsawsinnersandIsawsaints;Isawfatpeopleandpeoplenobiggerthanmites;many,manyfrightenedsoulsdidIsee,butneversomanyashereinPocapaglia."
    Thefarmershungtheirheadsinshame,forMasinohadhitasensitivespotinsuggestingtheywerecowards.ButMasinowasnotcrosswithhisfellowtownsmen.Heaskedforadetailedaccountofthewitchsdoings,thensaid,"Letmeaskyouthreequestions,andatthestrokeofmidnightIllgooutandcatchthewitchandbringherbacktoyou."
    "Letshearyourquestions!Outwiththem!"theyallsaid.
    "Thefirstquestionisforthebarber.Howmanypeoplecametoyouthismonth?"
    Thebarberreplied:
    "Longbeards,shortbeards,
    Finebeards,coarsebeards,
    Locksstraight,lockscurly,
    AllItrimmèd(sic)inahurry."
    "Yourturnnow,cobbler.Howmanypeoplebroughtyoutheiroldshoestomendthismonth?"
    "Alas!"beganthecobbler:
    "Shoesofwood,shoesofleather,
    NailbynailIhammeredbacktogether,
    Mendedshoesofsatinandshoesofserpent.
    Buttheresnothinglefttodo,
    Alltheirmoneyisspent."
    "Thethirdquestiongoestoyou,ropemaker.Howmuchropedidyousellthismonth?"
    Theropemakerreplied:
    "RopegaloreofeverysortIsold:
    Hemprope,braided,wicker,cord,
    Needle-thintoarm-thick,
    Lard-softtoiron-strong
    ThismonthIcouldntgowrong."
    "Verywell,"saidMasino,stretchingoutbythefire."Imnowgoingtosleepforafewhours,Imverytired.WakemeupatmidnightandIllgoafterthewitch."Heputhishatoverhisfaceandfellasleep.
    Thefarmerskeptperfectlyquietuntilmidnight,notevendaringtobreathe,forfearofawakinghim.AtmidnightMasinoshookhimself,yawned,drankacupofmulledwine,spatthreetimesintothefire,gotupwithoutlookingatasoul,andheadedforthewoods.
    Thefarmersstayedbehindwatchingthefireburndownandthelastembersturntoashes.Then,whomshouldMasinodraginbythebeardbutthecount!Acountthatwept,kicked,andpleadedformercy.
    "Heresthewitch!"criedMasino,andasked,"Wheredidyouputthemulledwine?"
    Beneaththefarmersamazedstares,thecounttriedtomakehimselfassmallaspossible,sittingonthegroundandshrinkinguplikeacold-bittenfly.
    "Thethiefcouldhavebeennoneofyou,"explainedMasino,"sinceyouhadallgonetothebarberandhadnohairtoloseinthebushes.Thentherewerethosetracksmadebybigheavyshoes,butallofyougobarefoot.Norcouldthethiefhavebeenaghost,sincehewouldnthaveneededtobuyallthatcordtotieuptheanimalsandcarrythemaway.Butwhereismymulledwine?"
    Shakingallover,thecounttriedtohideinthatbeardofhiswhichMasinohadtousledandtorninpullinghimoutofthebushes.
    "Howdidheevermakeusfaintbyjustlookingatus?"askedonefarmer.
    "Hewouldsmiteyouontheheadwithapaddedclub.Thatwayyouwouldhearonlyawhir.Hedleavenomarkonyou,youdsimplywakeupwithaheadache."
    "Andthosehairpinshelost?"askedanother.
    "Theywereusedtoholdhisbearduponhisheadandmakeitlooklikeawomanshair."
    Untilthenthefarmershadlistenedinsilence,butwhenMasinosaid,"Andnow,whatshallwedowithhim?"astormofshoutsarose:"Burnhim!Skinhimalive!Stringhimupforascarecrow!Sealhiminacaskandrollhimdownthecliff!Sewhimupinasackwithsixcatsandsixdogs!"
    "Havemercy!"saidthecountinavoicejustaboveawhisper.
    "Sparehim,"saidMasino,"andhewillbringbackyourcattleandcleanyourbarns.Andsinceheenjoyedgoingintothewoodsatnight,makehimgothereeverynightandgatherbundlesoffirewoodforeachofyou.Tellthechildrennevertopickupthehairpinstheyfindontheground,fortheybelongtoMicillinatheWitch,whosehairandbeardwillbedisheveledfromnowon."
    Thefarmersfollowedthesuggestion,andsoonMasinoleftPocapagliatotravelabouttheworld.Inthecourseofhistravels,hefoundhimselffightinginfirstonewarandanother,andtheyalllastedsolongthathissayingsprangup:
    Soldierfighter,whatahardlot!
    Wretchedfood,thegroundforacot.
    Youfeedthecannonpowder:
    Boom-BOOM!Boom-BOOM!Boomlouder!
    (Bra)
    NOTES:
    "TheCountsBeard"(LabarbadelConte).Publishedhereforthefirsttime,collectedbyGiovanniArpinoinJuly1956,incertainvillagesofsouthernPiedmont:Bra(toldbyCaterinaAsteggiano,inmateofahomeforoldpeople,andLuigiBerzia),inGuarene(toldbyDoroPalladino,farmer),inNarzole(toldbyAnnettaTaricco,servantwoman),andinPocapaglia.
    Thislongnarrative,whichwriterGiovanniArpinohastranscribedandunifiedfromdifferentversionswithvariantsandadditionsfromBraandsurroundings,cannotinmyviewbeclassifiedasafolktale.Itisalocallegendofrecentorigininpart(Iamthinking,forinstance,ofthegeographicalparticularsgiven),thatis,notpriortothenineteenthcentury,andcontainingdisparateelements:explanationofalocalsuperstition(thehairpinsofWitchMicillina),antifeudalcountrylegendsuchasonefindsinmanynortherncountries,curiousdetective-storystructureàlaSherlockHolmes,manydigressionsnonessentialtothestory(suchasthetripfromAfricabacktotown——whichArpinotellsmealsoexistsasaseparatestory——andalltheallusionstoMasinospastandfutureadventureswhichleadtotheconclusionglobetrotterfromacountrywhoseinhabitantsarereputedtobecontrastinglyslowandbackward),verse(ofwhichArpinoandIhavepresentedonlyasmuchaswecouldeffectivetranslate),andgrotesqueimageswhichseemrootedintradition,suchasthesacksunderthehenstails,theoxensothinthattheywerecurriedwiththerake,thecountwhosebeardwascombedbyfoursoldiers,etc
    Copyright:ItalianFolktalesSelectedandRetoldbyItaloCalvino,
    translatedbyGeorgeMartin,
    PantheonBooks,NewYork1980